Violence is not love

I just started a venture in Chinese drama land at the beginning of this year. I blame it to Our Times, a hit Chinese movie about young romance. The heroine is being bullied by the Yankee boss (I can’t stop using Japanese term if you know what I mean) after sending him a threat chain letter. Their relationship starts with master and puppy but ends up liking each other.

People is so convinced that when a boy being mean to a girl, it means he likes her. It becomes sort of “unwritten law” in a various romance story, turning the romance into some kind of bloody battle between a fierce guy and fragile woman. In Chinese drama- and probably in another region- a fragile woman always attracts the harsh guy. This girl usually cute, not so sexy, with low independence and confidence. On the other hand, the hero is always tough, smart, more likely a CEO or heir of a billionaire family. As an alpha male, he tends to treat anything as his possession, even the girl he likes. As the result, we’re used to seeing kabedon (wall hitting) or force kiss in romantic dramas.

The question is…does violence means love?

In 2007, Devon Largio wrote an article about violence in dating. The brutal treatment given to partner is not always in form of actual hit, but also verbal and emotional abuse. As he was studying the case of teen dating violence, he comes with definition of “teen dating violence” as physical, psychological, or sexual abuse, or threats of such abuse, occurring between individuals, at least one of whom is under the age of eighteen, who are in a dating relationship; the underlying, i.e. pre-violence, relationship should be mutually rewarding and indicative of some form of commitment. He presumes that in theory, it may be easier to escape the violence in a dating relationship than in a marriage. The abuser and abused are not living in the same place, so technically there’ll be restraint.

In China, where all our talk started, there’s a shocking evidence on how the prevalence of violence dating. The international dating violence study provides the clearest descriptive picture of physical dating violence in mainland China, with approximately 35% of college student dating relationships reporting some form of physical assault (Straus, 2008, in Anderson, et al.,2011:632).

However, it doesn’t mean that dating violence won’t be as damaging as domestic violence. Domestic violence is a major contributor to physical and mental ill health of the victim, and it is evident to some degree, in every society of the world (Shah, et al.,2012). Anderson, et al (2011:632) gathers research about negative outcomes of dating violence. They are increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases, chronic or temporary health problems, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), somatic complaints, anxiety, fear, anger (Amar & Gennaro, 2005, in Anderson, et al 2011:632), depression (Banyard & Cross, 2008, in Anderson, et al 2011:632), lowered self-worth (O’Leary & Cascardi, 1998, in Anderson, et al 2011:632), decreased satisfaction with relationship and life, and greater levels of life disruption than those who do not experience dating violence (Amar & Alexy, 2005, in Anderson, et al 2011:632). Violence never turns right. Violence in a relationship is not something you must favor.

Power relations

Why does woman let her boyfriend hurt her? It doesn’t make any sense to me. As human, we strive to fulfill the needs of belongingness. We want to love and to be loved. Baumeister (2012:137) argues that woman tends a close, intimate relationships and pair bonds, while men choose to develop larger networks of shallower relationship. These two types are their ways to fulfill the needs of belongingness. The men’s large network of shallow relationships are not as satisfying or as nurturant as the intimate bonds cultivated by women, but they are conducive to the requirements of cultural progress, such as dissemination of information, competitive innovation, and economic exchange. It was neither that men had superior talents and abilities, nor that men banded together to conspire to oppress women. It was simply that the male sphere made progress while the women’s sphere remained essentially static, because of the different types of social relationships favored by the respective gender.

In traditional gender role, male is supposed to be dominant and female is always accepting.  Anderson et al. (2011) studied attitude of college students toward dating violence and found that women who were more traditional in their gender role attitudes were likely to endorse more positive attitudes toward males’ use of psychological dating violence (Anderson, et al.,2011:643). Woman compromises the need of loving by letting violence partner turning her into some punching bag.

Gender roles are the roles that men and women are expected to occupy based on their sex (Blackstone, 2003:337). In the traditional feminine gender role would be to nurture her family by working full-time within the home rather than taking employment outside of the home (Blackstone, 2003:337). Gender roles are sometimes created on the basis of stereotypes about gender (Blackstone, 2003:337). Blackstone (2003:337–338) wrote that a traditional gender role orientation emphasizes differences between men and women and assumes that each sex has a natural affinity to particular behaviors. Those who maintain a traditional gender role orientation are likely to be influenced by the rules and rituals of the generations that came before them, by their parents and grandparents.

Woman’s traditional role as housewife brings large impacts to her power relation. I read an opinion by a housewife in a national newspaper yesterday, punching the fact that housewife’s contribution rarely taking account of national growth. She says when two people enter marriage, one is put in stagnant and subordinate position. It’s the one who stays home, usually the wife. No matter how hard housewife works, their contribution never calculated and recognized in real (Vermonte, Kompas, September 3, 2016).  When a woman can’t feed herself, she tends to be in a lower status than her husband. Whether you like it or not, this kind of woman is more likely conform to the breadwinner’s ideas. In addition, the traditional gender role in Indonesia also favors a woman who follows husband’s rule.

A smart woman who chooses to be full-time housewife can’t explore her potency. They usually take part time job or running a business. I have never seen any of my master degree colleagues who just focus on making a home. This shows how many housewives need self-esteem, not only stop in need of belongingness. You can feel loved, but you need to respect and recognized in term people can assess.

On the other side, individuals with nontraditional gender role orientations are more likely to believe in the value of egalitarian relationships between men and women and in the power of individual human beings to determine what roles they wish to occupy and the extent to which those roles are or should be associated with their sex (Blackstone, 2003:338). People can only treat each other well when their power relation reach a moderate point. It’s when they see the other one as equal.

Violence is illness

Showing violence in drama might encourage violence in a relationship. It’s not right and it doesn’t justify any kind of violence. One shouldn’t let herself be victim and we shouldn’t be amused looking at violence’s scene. Only a sadist enjoys the kind of torture exhibition and I classify that person as people with mental illness.

Reference:

Anderson, J. R., PhD., Chen, W. C., M.S., Johnson, M. D., M.S., Lyon, S. E., M.S., Lee, C. S., PhD., Zheng, F., PhD., . . . Peterson, F. R. (2011). Attitudes toward dating violence among college students in mainland china: An exploratory study. Violence and Victims, 26(5), 631–47. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/900315417?accountid=185286

Baumeister, Roy F.2012. Need-to-Belong Theory, in Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology (Vol 2, Ed. Paul A.M. Van Lange, Arie W. Krugtlanski & E. Tory Higgins). London:Sage.

Blackstone, Amy. 2003. “Gender Roles and Society.” Pp 335–338 in Human Ecology: An Encyclopedia of Children, Families, Communities, and Environments, edited by Julia R. Miller, Richard M. Lerner, and Lawrence B. Schiamberg. Santa Barbara, CA: ABC-CLIO. ISBN I-57607–852–3

Largio, D. M. (2007). Refining the meaning and application of “dating relationship” language in domestic violence statutes. Vanderbilt Law Review, 60(3), 939–981. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/198976084?accountid=185286

Shah, S., Rajani, K., Kataria, L., Trivedi, A., Patel, S., & Mehta, K. (2012). Perception and prevalence of domestic violence in the study population.Industrial Psychiatry Journal, 21(2), 137–143. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.4103/0972-6748.119624

Vermonte, Sinta F. Sumbangan Ibu Rumah Tangga. Kompas, 3 September 2016.